Nebraska Tourism Rules

Issued by the NE Tourism Bureau to all visiting tourists.

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Oasis in North Omaha. Its a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they will kick your butt.
2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Grand Island, Plattsmouth, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.
3. Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. Here it is called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of farmers or we will kick your butt.
5. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that we would kick her butt.
6. Don't laugh at our giant scarecrows or our Indian made out of plastic. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Lincoln don't point at the tiny one-room school house or we will kick your butt.
7. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we will kick your butt.
8. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know you are a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes too for heavens sake. Also don't ask what a hot dish is or we will kick your butt.
9. Don't try to fake a Nebraska accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention the movie "Fargo" because that wasn't us and you will get your butt kicked.
10. Don't talk to us about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big city armpits like Detroit, New York, and Chicago and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, I-80 is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
11. Don't complain that Nebraska is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your butt all the way back to Des Moines.
12. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old people because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourself around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry butt just like they did ours.
13. So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on the farm? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our fresh air and we will kick your butt.
14. Writing it "Oh Ma Haaaa" is not funny. Doing it will get your butt kicked.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the farm lands should "go back to the buffalo". This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your butt. Now enjoy your visit and then go home.

Received unattributed in an email.

Last modified at 09/16/2004 23:10:00